Thursday, June 29, 2006

Seat Cushion Night


Ok, not as dramatic as a grand slam, but I'll take it. It's better to be lucky than good, etc., etc. Thank goodness for the tivo; I can watch those seat cushions soaring majestically through the stadium again and again.

And so can you. It's a bit jumpy, but...

Off Day Question: Be honest. At any point during the eight game losing streak, did you look up the symptoms of bipolar disorder on the internet or ever consider calling your doctor?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Feel Better?

I present, as a release for your frustration, Lee Elia's Rant. In both written and audio forms. Enjoy (but not at work) because you know it could be a lot worse. We could be Cub fans.

I will be at the game tonight in the right field bleachers. I'll pour beer on the bullpen for all of you.

Thursday, June 22, 2006


I can admit when I'm wrong. And new information has come to light that when I said Anthony Reyes wasn't the second coming I was wrong.

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So there ya go.

Hat tip to the proxy.


Pujols is apparently in the line up tonight. Is it possible to play first base and bat and all that stuff without having to move? Is there enough bubble wrap in all of Chicago to allay Cards fans' fears? I was gonna watch Earl and The Office instead of the travesty of a baseball game I was expecting for tonight, but now....

And no, Reyes is not the second coming and he's certainly not reason enough to watch a football game in June. He's an intriguing, young, cheap pitcher who's never faced anything like the White Sox line up. He is not going to save the staff from doom (if that is in fact where it is heading). I am not in the group that thinks Tony refuses to use Reyes because he doesn't like young pitchers. That is complete and utter crap. It's something created to further an argument like 4 years ago on a nascent Bernie's Pressbox. Thompson, Wainwright, Johnson. Not veterans. La Russa does what gives the club a better chance to win. If that means holding back a bit on a kid with prior arm trouble (oh-ha ha-prior and arm trouble) who's never pitched more than 150 innings a season, sounds good to me. There was no reason to use him for more than spot starts - until now. I'll probably avoid the internet tomorrow cause it's going to be one of two things. One: Reyes gets bombed, ergo Tony set him up to fail and the team should be contracted. Two: Reyes does well, and everyone thinks we'd be in first by 15 games instead of 4-ish if Anthony was in the rotation all year and Tony/Duncan/Jocketty are all idiots for not bringing him up sooner. Give me an effing break. I'll read McSweeney's.

Oh, yeah. Mulder's DL'ed.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Oops!... I Did It Again

Ooh no

No no no no no no
No no no no no no

I know I did it again
I made you believe we might have a chance
Oh, crap
It might seem like a slump
But it doesn't mean I can do better
'Cause to lose all my control
That is just so typically me
Oh, double, triple

Oops!...I did it again
I gave up homeruns, and lost the damn game
There's another one
Oops!...You think I'll get fixed
That I'm probably hurt
I'm not that good this year

You see my problem is this
I'm dreaming away
Wishing for zeros, just like Burnett
I try, watching the score
Can't you see I am done in so many ways
But to lose all my control
That is just so typically me
Oh, double

Oops!...I did it again
I gave up homeruns, and lost the damn game
There's another one
Oops!...You think I'll get fixed
That I'm probably hurt
I'm not that good this year

No no no no no no
No no no no no no

"You there!"
"Tony, before I go, there's something I want you to have."
"Oh thank you very much, but wait a minute, isn't this...?"
"Yeah, yes it is"
"But I really don't think we would want that around the clubhouse."
"Well Tony, Ponson's already got it."
"No, take it with you."

Oops!...I did it again to the team
And lost the damn game, oh baby
Oops!... You think I'll get fixed
I'm not that good this year

Oops!...I did it again
I gave up homeruns, and lost the damn game
There's another one
Oops!...You think I'll get fixed
That I'm probably hurt
I'm not that good this year

Oops!...I did it again
I gave up homeruns, and lost the damn game
There's another one
Oops!...You think I'll get fixed
That I'm probably hurt
I'm not that good this year

-Apologies to Max Martin, who actually wrote the original.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


Mulder, honey. Looks can only get you so far. Giving up nine runs in one third of an inning will not take you the rest of the way.

Late game edit: So, Ozzie. You think running up the score is awesome? One effing sub? Yeah, I've learned Karma's A Bitch. Am I a sore loser? Maybe. But this is regoddamndiculous.

So NOT cool.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Road Trip

Ok, a day late.

A warehouse with a puffy roof
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They sell margaritas in the stands
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Heaven In Plastic
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Sausage Race Standings
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Miller Park
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Monday, June 12, 2006

Beer, Brats, and bellyscratcher

The proxy and I spent Saturday evening in lovely Miller Park. Lovely may be too strong a word. Nice. Yes, nice Miller Park. You see, even though it's pretty close to downtown, it is surrounded by parking lots. I guess this helps with the Northern people's tendency towards grilling meat encased in intestines before sporting events, but it makes getting to the actual field of play difficult. Also, from said parking lots, the stadium looks like a warehouse.

Even though it ended in a loss, the game was fun. Rolen hit a home run which was good to see. The sausage race got the crowd almost as excited as the final out. Turnbow remains a muppet. They should make little stuffed Turnbows for a give-a-way some night. Or put him on Sesame Street. The eight year-olds behind us we're pretty rudimentary in their smack talk. I had something even better than Busch's super nachos: Cheesy Waffle Fries in a Helmet. Oh, man. Heaven in plastic.

Pictures tonight....

Friday, June 09, 2006

Eaten By Catfish Is Such A Terrible Way To Go

Ok, so Pujols' trainer knows a guy. Hell, I know a guy. I could go down to the local gym and find a guy if I needed.

Still, though. It doesn't look good. And, as we've seen, appearance is nearly everything. If Barry Bonds had been nicer early in his career, would he be as vilified now? I doubt it. I know Pujols said he's been tested for steroids three times this year; he hasn't been tested for HGH. I guess we have to wait to see what Mihlfeld says. Not that he'd throw his benefactor under the bus. People will either choose to believe Albert or they won't. But a lot more people are not going to believe him than at this time yesterday. It would really suck if he's being using HGH. The greenies? Eh, if you suspended every ball player who's taken them, there'd be lots of call-ups from AA just to fill out the line up card.

Update: Mihlfeld issued a statement. So that's nice. Still, this isn't going away anytime soon.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Off Day Game

Well, not really a game. A poll.

I am:
A) Al Hrabosky-everything is fine. Hey you!! Yeah, you. Stop booing. Don't make me come over there.
B) Chris Carpenter is dreamy. Huh? They lost? That sucks.
C) Not smoking the crack rock like you. It's June 8th and they are still in first place.
D) Annoyed. Their record against the Central isn't good.
E) Going to watch 2 hours of My Name Is Earl tonight to forget my pain.
F) Watching Extra Innings to scout trades, because, let's face it, the team needs more offense and/or pitching.
G) Hoping the kids get to play more to get them ready for next year.
H) Driving to the Eads Bridge as soon as I get off the computer.

Leave your choice in the comments.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

To: The St. Louis Cardinals

TO: The St. Louis Cardinals
FROM: bellyscratcher

RE: The Sucking

Dear St. Louis Cardinals:

Really? Eric Milton?

Guys, come on. I know that half the team has had some sort of weird injury (you win the prize, Bigbie), that Izzy couldn't find the plate if he was standing on it, that Bernie is on some sort of crusade to stir things up for reasons known only to himself (I personally think DeWitt made fun of his glasses), that some asshats are insinuating Pujols may not be entirely organic.

Remember 2004? That was fun. It doesn't look like you're having fun this year. Remember 2005? When you lost Rolen and the corpse of Larry Walker was patrolling right field? People stepped up. Who's gonna step up this year? Reyes has done well on the pitching side; Encarnacion, would you like to volunteer?

La Russa, I know you'll never do this, but can you at least kinda think about maybe moving Izzy to middle relief for a week or so while he works on his control? Looper can close (provided there are no lefties), so could Adam, I bet. Just something to chew on.

Anyway. I hope you boys can pull your heads out of your asses and hit the ball (please hit the ball so much that Izzy is not needed) and catch the ball. Or else I am going to change this to a World Cup blog - and nobody wants to read me talking about soccer. Trust me on this.



Tuesday, June 06, 2006


Let's just move on, shall we? Carpenter's starting tonight.

Monday, June 05, 2006

The First Day of the Rest of Our Lives

So, no Albert. Well then.

Whatever. It sucks to lose both the Cy Young and MVP to injury (though I think Carpenter should be back this week, yes?). Can't really do anything about it right now. We saw what happened to the Cubs after Lee went down, but I think the Cardinals are better equipped to weather Pujols' injury. For starters, the Cubs' leadoff guy has an OBP of .282. Gah. Eckstein? Yeah, his OBP is .392. Of course that doesn't mean jack if there's no one to drive him in, but Rolen is looking quite nice, Encarnacion has been picking it up, and if Jimmy can stay in the lineup he's (almost) always useful. Even Yadi is batting above .200 now. Throw in Taguchi and Luna and Spiezio and chances are the Cards won't be shut out.

And that's good, especially if Marquis can't get his head in the game or Mulder can't get out of his funk.

I don't want to be too Cardinal-colored-glasses-wearing. All the scrappy bench players in the world can't replace Pujols. Chris Duncan may be a serviceable major leaguer, we'll see, but I know Albert Pujols, and he's no Albert Pujols. There's still roughly two months before the trading deadline. As long as Walt knows the answer is never, ever Phil Nevin. When they've lost 10 straight and Miles is brought in to relieve in the 6th? Then I'll panic.

In the mean time, join Red Hot Mama and I for some long overdue smack talk tonight. It's pickles versus soup. The Reds are annoyingly close in the standings and harbor delusions of grandeur.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Moral Dilemma

So, as I've said, I think Ozzie Smith is a little bitch. The problem is his restaurant is really the only place I can watch day games (the proxy and I were discussing getting a La Russa jersey to wear there). I feel pretty hypocritical, but I also enjoy the TVs.

But soon that will no longer be the case! Problem solved! The announcement is at noon today and I might just try to get in.

I think Molina plucks his eyebrows. But it appears he got that missing tooth fixed.

Just how did Leach get those quotes from Taguchi? I can never, ever understand his post-game interviews.

Off day game: What's a better name for Albert's restaurant ("Pujols 5" sucks)?

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