Thursday, April 14, 2005
TO: Ryan Freel
FROM: bellyscratcher
RE: Breaking our utility infielder
Dear Mr. Freel,
I have been made aware that you broke one of the Cardinals' players yesterday afternoon at second base. While I know this was not your intention, you must understand that this action cannot be overlooked. We highly value our bench players, getting them regular work with well-defined expectations. Unfortunately, even at this early date, we are not at full strength on the bench (Mr. John Mabry has a bad hamstring), and with a broken Mr. Abraham Nunez we are left without a legitimate left-hander.
Unlike Pottery Barn and countries with oil, we do not have a "You Break It, You Buy It" policy. However, some form of recompense is required. To that end, I have been authorized to propose the following:
1. If your organization would like to pay Mr. Nunez' contract this year, I'm sure something can be arranged.
2. Should the breaking of Mr. Nunez necessitate the recalling of one Mr. Bo Hart during Mr. Nunez' convalescence, your organization will not throw any breaking pitches to Mr. Hart during his tenure with the Cardinals. Reds' pitchers shall throw only fastballs down the middle not below 80 miles per hour and not to exceed 90 miles per hour.
3. In the event the Cardinals and Reds do not face each other while Mr. Hart is with the team, the terms in Number 2 shall apply to Mr. Albert Pujols, Mr. Scott Rolen, or Mr. Larry Walker (your choice).
4. For the remainder of the 2005 season, all homeruns hit by the Reds while facing the Cardinals will be considered caught by Mr. Jim Edmonds, and therefore, an out.
We feel the above proposal represents an accurate and fair valuation of the breakage and loss suffered by our bench. We are open to hearing counterproposals, but Numbers 2, 3, and 4 are non-negotiable.
Please indicate your acceptance of the above terms with your signature and season tickets.
Sincerely,
bellyscratcher
RE: Breaking our utility infielder
Dear Mr. Freel,
I have been made aware that you broke one of the Cardinals' players yesterday afternoon at second base. While I know this was not your intention, you must understand that this action cannot be overlooked. We highly value our bench players, getting them regular work with well-defined expectations. Unfortunately, even at this early date, we are not at full strength on the bench (Mr. John Mabry has a bad hamstring), and with a broken Mr. Abraham Nunez we are left without a legitimate left-hander.
Unlike Pottery Barn and countries with oil, we do not have a "You Break It, You Buy It" policy. However, some form of recompense is required. To that end, I have been authorized to propose the following:
1. If your organization would like to pay Mr. Nunez' contract this year, I'm sure something can be arranged.
2. Should the breaking of Mr. Nunez necessitate the recalling of one Mr. Bo Hart during Mr. Nunez' convalescence, your organization will not throw any breaking pitches to Mr. Hart during his tenure with the Cardinals. Reds' pitchers shall throw only fastballs down the middle not below 80 miles per hour and not to exceed 90 miles per hour.
3. In the event the Cardinals and Reds do not face each other while Mr. Hart is with the team, the terms in Number 2 shall apply to Mr. Albert Pujols, Mr. Scott Rolen, or Mr. Larry Walker (your choice).
4. For the remainder of the 2005 season, all homeruns hit by the Reds while facing the Cardinals will be considered caught by Mr. Jim Edmonds, and therefore, an out.
We feel the above proposal represents an accurate and fair valuation of the breakage and loss suffered by our bench. We are open to hearing counterproposals, but Numbers 2, 3, and 4 are non-negotiable.
Please indicate your acceptance of the above terms with your signature and season tickets.
Sincerely,
bellyscratcher
